Around the World in 80 Days

by Bill Henry on Jun.16, 2004, under Bill Henry's Movie Reviews

Bill’s Review
Much has been written and more speculated about the ongoing travails of long-time head rat wrangler at Disney Corp., Michael Eisner. Very little of it is on point in that Eisner has made few decisions that were not made with the full approval of all the current naysayers. Most of them just quibble about bad results and are using various wedges to get the odious Mr. Eisner out so as to increase their own control. But were there any true justice, Michael Eisner would be stripped of his golden parachute and shoved out the door for being the CEO of a company that could regularly release drivel like the recent remake of Around the World in 80 Days. Only Eisnerâ€™s head on a pike at the entrance to the Magic Kingdom could possibly expiate the sins against all that is good and worthy that he is responsible for.
Think I exaggerate? They did not just waste the talents of people like Jules Verne (author of original source material), director Frank Coraci (director of The Wedding Singer), supporting player Jim Broadbent (an Oscar-winning actor), and lead actor Steve Coogan (Phileas Fogg here, but seen to better use in 24 Hour Party People). They even wasted the more difficult to locate worthiness of Jackie Chan (martial arts stunt man turned occasionally comical actor) and Arnold Schwarzenegger (body builder turned joke). Why should Michael Eisner be let off the hook for this? Does no one take responsibility for such actions?
Say what you will about Mike Toddâ€™s cameo-laden travelogue of an earlier movie, but at least MT knew how to give everybody a good time (especially Elizabeth Taylor). In 2004, the locations appear to be few enough to be counted on one hand and instead of the star-studded cameo list of the 1956 Oscar-winner, we get a sparse few that only rises above the level of Rob Schneider at the very end when Kathy Bates hops in as Queen Victoria. And unlike MT, MEâ€™s gang of hired idiots (chiefly script typists David Titcher, David Benullo, and David Allen Goldsteinâ€”imagine three Davids when what they really need is one Solomon) does not even appear to appreciate the terrific story that Verne gave them.
As created by Verne, Phileas Fogg is an unflappable English gentleman of the Victorian era. As played by David Niven in 1956, Fogg was confident of his knowledge and the inherent superiority of the British-bred, Oxford-educated man whose soul and spirit provided the backbone of the empire upon which the sun was unable to set. Steve Cooganâ€™s Fogg appears to be no better than a runner-up for the 1971 upper class twit of the year. Rather than the evenings in the club, tea precisely at four man of leisure, the new Fogg appears to have seen Chitty Chitty Bang Bang a few times too often and spends his day with a bunch of inventions that appear to owe more to Goldberg than Edison.
Rather than setting out on his global circumnavigation simply to prove that courtesy of the new trans-Indian railroad, one could circle the earth in 80 days, this foggier Fogg hopes to gain a place in the royal science academy unmerited by his actual accomplishments. Unlike Groucho Marx, the real Phileas Fogg would never belong to any club that would not want him as a member.
And each of the very few stops on the 80-day jaunt is merely an excuse to give Jackie Chan a few action bits. As Passepartout, Chan actually provokes the wager as a ruse so that he can return a re-stolen jade Buddha to his village in China. Still, successfully traversing the globe in 80 days is pretty impressive since they spend the first half of the movie barely getting to Constantinople (misidentified in this 19th century-set movie as Istanbul). There is a bit of silliness about Chinese warlords and because this is a 21st century action picture, the intrepid inspector Fix who is usually portrayed as well-intentioned and dogged in his pursuit of those he believes to be fleeing miscreants has here become a corrupt bumbler who exists only to pop up at inopportune moments and get whacked in the naughty bits.
If you could not tell so far, the resulting product is a rather tedious test of the audienceâ€™s ability to once more watch action gags that already been wrung free of laughs the first 50 times they were done.
So I say to the fellows at the Disney board of directors: By all means, let us get out the long knives and meditate on Michael Eisnerâ€™s future. But let the bill of particulars lead off with such crimes against humanity as his film division produces movies such as Around the World in 80 Days.