Are We There Yet

by Bill Henry on Jan.22, 2005, under Bill Henry's Movie Reviews

Bill’s Review
As regards the title to the new Ice Cube vehicle, Are We There Yet?, (get it, it is a road movie and I called it a â€œvehicleâ€ which refers to both a mode of transportation and is a colloquial reference to the work as a whole), where to begin?
Smart ass: (see previous paragraph).
Historical/inspirational: Are we finally at a place where it is not automatically assumed that every marginally-talented rap artist can carry a picture? Are we there yet? Not yet. Are we finally at a place where people with three digit IQs can enter a multiplex without dread? Are we there yet? Not yet. Have we finally arrived at a place where anyone can make a lousy movie that is an affront to the divine spark regardless of the color of their skin and is more commensurate with the lack of content of their character? Are we there yet? OK we are thereâ€”lucky us.
Family flashback anyone? Are we there yet? No and if you ask again, I am going to turn this movie around and take you right back to development.
Literary? Since there is no there, there then we will probably never get there.
I will do just about anything to put off thinking about the movie in which two repulsive kids bedevil momâ€™s new boyfriend on an auto trip over the holidays. You see, you can almost hear the echoes from the pitch meetingâ€¦ it is Home Alone with Road Trip and a little of that special urban flair. The first of the conflicting parties is represented by Ice Cube as a failed minor league ballplayer (right) turned Portland-based sports memorabilia salesman who falls for a beautiful career woman (Nia Long) which turns his thoughts from bachelor player to settling down. Meanwhile, her kids are subverting her dates in the hopes that mommy and daddy will reunite. When irresponsible dad fails the kids, helpful Mr. Cube offers to bring the kids to mom in Vancouver and show himself as responsible prime boyfriend material. Attempts to get the kids aboard planes and trains fail comically (it is only comical if your definition does not include â€œeliciting laughterâ€) and so he loads the monsters aboard his tricked-out Navigator; destruction of said car will occupy much of remaining picture.
Maybe you think I am laying it on a bit thick for a movie that so obviously was going to be nothing more than a formulaic pander-fest for the pre-pubescent set. The trouble is that every so often the people involved with this movie will give an indication that they have talent that rises above a mere ability to get their projects into production. Ice Cube (and I have no problem with his nom de rap, it is no different than Rock Hudson or John Wayne) followed up an actual performance in Three Kings with Friday movie sequels too depressing to contemplate. Nia Long was a breath of fresh air in the otherwise predictable staleness of last yearâ€™s Alfie remake. Two of the screenwriters worked on the Shrek sequel. Heck, even Brian Levant manages to stick in a clever in-joke by giving brat Kevin a Turbo-Man doll (sorry, action figure), the object of Gov. Arnoldâ€™s desire in Levantâ€™s own Jingle All the Way.
Perhaps it is just cruel to expect more from this bunch. Every plot twist is telegraphed so clumsily that it is hard to even get indignant over all the kids behaving badly sequences or the dangerous situations they reenact. Unfortunately, that the kids do a slew of dangerous stunts only serves to get oneâ€™s hopes up that maybe one of the kids will fall under a train
Still, it looked pretty and, most importantly, they all learned a little something and hugged at the end. I have almost forgotten I saw Million Dollar Baby earlier this month.