D.C. MOVIE GUYS

Melinda and Melinda
Directed by Woody Allen
Inflicted on select audiences nationwide beginning 3/23/2005
1 *
It would be nice to report that Woody Allen has ceased his career-damning tailspin and that his latest feature, Melinda and Melinda was a return to the better days of yesteryear. However, we live in the real world where Melinda and Melinda is a tedious piece of crud lending additional credence to the suspicion that a man who was once arguably one of the greatest writer-directors of all time is now clearly incapable of producing even watchable entertainment. It may not be Curse of the Jade Scorpion bad, but it can certainly stand on the next step up the ladder with Hollywood Ending and Anything Else.
I take no pleasure in any slam; I wish all movies were great. However, I take particular displeasure in the relentlessly expanding pile of dog waste that has become Mr. Allen’s contemporary filmography in that it is such an astounding reversal. (more…)

Robots
Directed by Chris Wedge and Carlos Saldanha
Animated in theatres nationwide beginning 3/11/2005
3.5 *
As surprisingly enjoyable as was Ice Age, the maiden effort from Blue Sky animation, one cannot be prepared for how terrific their follow-up feature Robots turns out to be. The movie is that rarest of all things in movies: a family film that is truly appropriate and enjoyable for all ages. It is in that spirit that it will be compared to Shrek or the Toy Story movies and the movie would not be out of place at Pixar (the highest compliment one can claim for a modern ‘toon). But in its “something for all ages” humor and plethora of pop culture references, it more closely resembles the genius of another News Corp. property, The Simpsons.
The story is nothing special; in fact, the cliché plotline only provides only the slightest of frameworks for the movie’s great dialogue and brilliant animation. Rodney Copperbottom (voiced by Ewan McGregor) is a young robotic lad of considerable promise. Shaking the dust of his small town from his mechanical feet, he takes off for the big city, his big-time dreams fueled by the TV pep talk he received from Mr. Bigweld (voiced by Mel Brooks); the Edison/Gates of Robots’ landscape whose doors are “never closed to new ideas.” But when Rodney arrives in Robot City, he finds the doors are closed (and guarded) and Mr. Bigweld is nowhere to be seen having been edged out by up and comer corporate player Ratchet (an oleaginous Greg Kinnear). It turns out that Ratchet has decided that there is more money in upgrades than in repairs and spare parts and as for those who cannot afford the more lucrative (and expensive) upgrades, well then, it is time for the scrap heap. What the corporate allies do not know is that Ratchet’s mom is the local scrap iron queen and his single-minded concern for the bottom line will also feather momma’s nest.
That is the story, but it does not take much prescience to sniff out an allegory at work. The cartoonists of Blue Sky (who were themselves tossed off the Fox lot just prior to the release of Ice Age when the bottom-line types felt they were not returning enough revenue quickly enough to justify an on-site animation arm) may look back with nostalgic longing to a time when the creative roost was run by the Walt Disneys rather than the Michael Eisners (although a cold, hard look at the way Walt did business would show that he was more like Michael than Will Eisner).
The voice cast is one of the best ever assembled. McGregor imbues his Rodney with all the stalwart virtue one might expect of a Jedi master and Robin Williams is almost as good as he was playing Aladdin’s genie. But the gang which also includes Brooks, Kinnear, Halle Berry, Amanda Bynes, James Earl Jones (making the first of his joint film “appearances” with McGregor), Jennifer Coolidge, and Drew Carey are at their best when delivering the scripts crazy quilt blend of puns, wise-ass pop-offs, and pop culture allusions that are the charm of Robots. The seamlessly rendered world of the mechanical men (and women and children and dogs and birds…) is dazzling to look upon. What you get with Robots is a movie that can be enjoyed by all ages.
–Bill Henry

The Pacifier
Directed by Adam Shankman
Sedating audiences nationwide beginning 3/4/5
1.5 *
Although it may seem a bit early in his career to be making his Kindergarten Cop, Vin Diesel’s latest star vehicle is a rather oddly blended movie that is too violent for the kids it is aimed at and far too mild for the Vin’s usual action crowd. And even if the mélange was not bad enough, the movie that is on screen is pretty dreadful stuff (maybe not The Chronicles of Riddick bad, but dull and obvious).
The movie opens with Navy SEAL Shane (“Go away, Shane. Go away.”) Wolfe (VD) mounting a rescue mission to snatch a scientist (Tate Donovan) kidnapped by Serbian terrorists intent on finding a computer program he has written. But though the mission seems a success, the scientist is killed and Wolfe is wounded. Following two months recuperation and the program still missing, Wolfe’s navy boss wants him to baby-sit the scientist’s five kids while the boss escorts the widow (Faith Ford) to Switzerland where the program is presumably hidden in a bank’s safe deposit box. Now, with this set-up let us see if you are as smart as screenwriters Thomas Lennon and Ben Garant (Taxi—the lousy Jimmy Fallon movie not the clever TV series) and thus smart enough for a spiritually withering, but hugely profitable career as a Hollywood script hack:

1. When the career military man is suddenly left in charge of five children, he will:
a. Instill strict military discipline and seek to impose the same lifestyle he is used to upon the unruly brats.
b. Dismiss the household staff and bring in his military buddies for a week-long party.
c. Ignore the kids and spend all his time looking for the military secrets that will further his career.
d. Hack them to death with a kitchen knife.
2. Knowing that the funniest thing in the world is the smell of baby excrement and all attendant gags, you will have your hero:
a. Change a diaper with the same level of disgust one would exhibit at opening up an oven at Auschwitz.
b. Have our hero immersed in a sewer.
c. Have him recover a soiled diaper from a ball pit.
d. Do not be ridiculous, no SEAL would act like a 9-year-old girl confronted with a baby’s diaper, he would change it.
e. A, B, and C.
3. You already have a bunch of kids, and they need a pet, You give them:
a. A huge slobbering dog.
b. A disinterested lasagna-eating CGI cat.
c. A duck that will bite villains in their private parts.
d. Goldfish that can be comically flushed when the toddler reveals, “My fish swim upside down.”
4. The kids take an instant dislike to him, but he will win them over through:
a. Threats and intimidation
b. Allow the bad guys to waste them and continue searching for the secret program; pass off loss of kids as regrettable collateral damage.
c. Win them over by learning what secretly troubles them and interrupt important search for missing program while teaching driving, directing community theatre version of The Sound of Music, teaching them how to beat up bullies, stomping the sadistic vice principal in front of entire school, and learning a silly song which once hot action star will perform for unbelieving audience.
d. None of the above, all of the above, who cares.
5. You need a hackneyed way to end the movie, do you?
a. Bring in a very famous actor for a cameo appearance playing a character mentioned but never seen
b. Reveal that one of the minor characters has actually been working for the enemy and will betray you just at the moment of triumph
c. Nail the pretty widow, burn the house to the ground, and blame it on the commies.
d. Two words: car chase.
e. Apologize to the audience and stop the projector.

Answer these question and email them to Disney Corp. and you have a shot at becoming a screenwriter at the studio lovingly known as Mouschwitz (pity they are not that clever with their writing). Although you would not know it from his recent work, Vin Diesel is better than this (heck, Jean-Claude Van Damme is better than this), but no one will ever know if he keeps hitching a dwindling star to stuff like this.
Since Vin’s career seems to be moving at a more rapid pace, one guesses it will not be long before the cameos in dumb-ass Jackie Chan movies are followed by a desperation career change. If I do not see you, hasta la vista, baby.
–Bill Henry